Saturday, October 4, 2008

Me Vs. The Weather

For some reason all the really chaotic things that happen in my life tend to revolve around water. I've been attacked by sprinklers and the car wash, I'm a terrible swimmer and I really don't appreciate it when my hair gets all rained on and turns icky. Whenever there is any form of precipitation whatsoever I always seem to end up mumbling curses at the weather under my breath while trying to soak up the 4 pints of water that have taken hold in my ponytail. Not really my idea of a fun afternoon. So today when it started raining and I knew I'd have to take the puppy out and that it would be a while (for some reason it seems to take EIGHT HOURS for him to go to the bathroom) I decided to get all smart about it. I donned a bright pink raincoat and gloves and was determined not to get wet. The Weather did not appreciate this and thus began plotting to ruin my day.

Here's where the The Weather first decided to get crafty. Two doors up from my house there is a family that also owns a Shih Tzu (my puppy, Sammy, is far cuter though - just for the record). This little dog is named Zoey. He is possibly the meanest dog in the world. I swear when that dog looks at me I can just hear it making all kinds of condescending remarks about how one shouldn't go hunting for the paper in the morning with hair that looks like she just spent four hours bouncing around in an inflatable castle while rubbing a balloon on her head. To which my response is "Well you have GREEN ribbons in your hair. And I'm pretty sure you're a boy! And green is sooooooo a girl color now." followed by me sticking my tongue out at Zoey who just laughs because he knows I'm scaring all the morning joggers.

The Weather - being as smart as it is - also knows that Sammy is absolutely terrified of Zoey. Sammy is still a fairly small puppy and he gets nervous around any type of animal that isn't either a fish or an earthworm as he thinks the former is entertainment and the latter is lunch. I also may or may not have had to throw a rock at the neighbors' cat because it was chasing him. So of course right when Sammy and I head out the door for our Morning Walk/I Think I'll Run Circles Around Every Tree I Can Find While I Try And Pee On Them At The Same Time gig - here comes Zoey, shooting out if his house like a cannon and booking it straight towards Sammy and I. This is probably the only time where my dog and I have had the exact same thought at the same moment because I swear the second we saw that little black and white hairball running at us we both looked at each other with an "Oh shit." sort of face and started running towards the picnic table that across the street from the house.

In retrospect it would have been far more intelligent to just go back inside the house. But nooo. I didn't get the "Think On Your Feet" gene. Thank you mom - for keeping that and the ability to use electrical appliances without setting off the fire alarm ALL TO YOURSELF. So instead of boarding ourselves up inside my house, Sammy and I are now perched up on top of a wet picnic table trying to stay somewhat dry, while Zoey barks madly from the ground below us. What a lovely position to be in. I'm sure I look real attractive trying to hold on to a puppy that's acting like he just took a bottle of Ritalin while also avoiding getting bit by what seems to be some demon-possessed dog with pogo stick superpowers. The dog is literally trying to jump up onto the picnic table. So of course I'm freaking out - trying out all my grown-up dog commands. "Sit!" "Stay!" "GET AWAY FROM ME YOU EVIL THING!" None of which are helping - when, out of nowhere, I see a shining ray of hope. Zoey's owner has come outside for some reason or another and is now standing in his driveway up the street watching this little nightmare unfold. I start doing this frantic arm waving thing while pointing towards Zoey and yelling "Your dog is trying to EAT my dog!" And just when I think I'm home free this is what happens: Zoey's owner looks at me and - I kid you not - shrugs. And then proceeds to walk back into his house.

What. The. Hell. What kind of owner lets his dog not only run wild but chase other dogs (and the owners of said dogs)? Come on - seriously. How hard is it to call your dog's name and get it to leave me alone? By this time Sammy is looking at my with these huge eyes as if he thinks we're never going to escape and will have to live on the picnic table for the next day and a half until my mom gets home and can chase Zoey away for us. This is about the point where The Weather (who has been laughing maniacally this whole time) decides to have some real fun with me. Remember how I don't like being wet? Well I didn't know it at the time but I was about to have a whole new understanding of the term.

I decide that Sammy and I are getting back into the house THIS VERY MINUTE. I remember that I have Sammy's treats in my raincoat and begin to formulate what I thought was The Most Brilliant Idea Ever in my head. Clearly - it was not. With a dozen puppy treats in one hand and Sammy gathered up in the other arm I throw the little bone shaped cookies as far as I can, wait a split second until Zoey runs after them, hauling ass like it's the Olympics, and then in a huge leap - jump off the picnic table and start running for the door. Well right then The Weather decides how things are going to go down and starts pelting what had to have been golf ball sized drops of liquid at me, soaking my front lawn, and seem to have also managed to alert Zoey that his captives are escaping because instantly the awful creature whips around and starts to chase down Sammy and I.

The problem with this scenario is that my lawn is shaped strangely. It has weird divots and odd random sprinklers that haven't worked since the early nineties. None of this was on my mind as I was running. However, it did cross my mind when my pant leg caught on one of these useless sprinklers and threw both Sammy and I into the small pond that had been forming in the little valley of grass in my front yard as it rained. Great. I'm drenched. Sammy is drenched. Zoey is heading toward us at the speed of light. And The Weather is laughing until his sides hurt. Luckily I was able to slip and slosh my way out of the little pond, and managed to make it to the front door and slam it before Zoey could terrorize us any further. The only good thing about the whole day was the loud thud I heard only moments after closing the door. I hope Zoey has a huge headache for the rest of the day.

*No dogs were harmed in the making of this post. Just my pride.*

9 comments:

I'm Just Me said...

Too funny!! What a hilarious story!! Wishing you & Sammy all kinds of sunshine in the next week lol

JCampbell said...

Oh my! This is the kind of stuff you shoud be videotaping!!

Misha said...

I really adore you layout! How did you do this? : ) Mine's just boring with the templates that are shown.

Great site! : )

ceemee said...

It's weird that a ShihTzu chases people and other dogs, they're supposed to be cute and friendly, right?
I think I changed my mind on acquiring that breed for our home...

Ms. Salti said...

OMG, the rain was incessant yesterday. I haven't seen it rain like that in a LONG time! Too bad the weather got you again, but hey, at least it makes for great blog stories. I was literally laughing out loud while reading this. Thanks for sharing your embarrassing moments with us.

Kristi said...

I don't think the name Zoey is a proper fit for that dog. Try Cujo. How awful that the owner did nothing. I would be so pissed. I'm normally opposed to animal violence, but a swift kick is what that dog deserves!! lol (that's a total joke...i wouldn't really kick a dog...not hard anyway)

Anonymous said...

LoL!! you are too much!! This story was great!! Luck next time with evil Zoey!

Folding Bike Destinations said...

I don't think you should be so hard on your mom about being selfish with the gene pool. I inherited plenty of traits that I wish my parents would have kept to them selves. lol

stealthnerd said...

Oh ick...that other owner makes me so mad! I can't stand people who don't take responsible for their pets (or their kids for that matter--when did shrugging become such an epidemic?).